YETTOKNOW

RELINK BACK TO OLD BLOG PLEASE

2009-06-22T15:28:00.001-07:00

because i love this blog better, just so simple.

click here!

love and hate money

2009-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

i do cherish friendship and family a lot more than anything, all the more i hope nothing worldly would come between us which will cruelty tear us apart.
unease and discomfort brushes on me whenever people bring up the "money" word to my face. by hearing any related words to money, i became to feel uber insecured and naked. i know whenever i am broke, my friends are real willing to foot the bills for me but occasionally there are some expectional cases.
my mum dotes me however chided me mercilessly when i spend merely 20 bucks for entertainment purpose.
relationships fall apart because money has no mercy on anything nor recognise faces. having to turn our backs against each other because of money is the last thing i ever want it to happen.
no, never happen is the best thing.

home madness

2009-06-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

i realised staying home has always induce loads of negative impacts on me. i couldn't help to think that my life is plain boring, low society lifestyle and i am just another useless human living on this earth.

seriously, i thought i've a rather positive person compared to my friends. i remembered one year ago there a buddy who told me this, " life is like a bed of broken glasses, you bleed every steps you take". that time the optimistic me still snorted at his thoughts and claim that life is beautiful if you truely savour every moment of it.

what the fuck,this is it like a smack right in my face now. i totally hate life right now for the fact i am suffering every moments of it, no every seconds of it.

what am i destined for?

yucks, i saw the bastard come online. sorry for digressing again.

what i know my future is bleak. i cannot manage on what is happening now, then how do i even control the next decades of my life? everything feels so wrong when i am despairing.

another bastard came back with blasting music from his newly bought handphone. what is wrong with him? does he have to be such an loudhailer when he stepped in? he no need to create more reasons for us to detest him.

okay, everything is a dust in my eyes now. i need to pour out all before it accumulate up so much that i couldn't express it out.

i need a listening ear yet the ear is waving with to the rnb music.

*vibrate* steph is at double o having the time of her weekly nightlife which i am banned from it forever and ever.

i wonder, besides clubbing at night on friday what else can i do to kill those few hours? can you comprehend my feeling when one just have to throw their work aside without a valid reason? i am just so absurd right now, a instant NO to those suckers of my beauty sleep every night.

*roar* who is available at this timing? scanning through my phone list however i am hesitating to call anyone potential ones. call me sane, i am like everyone else who loves to be called, not the initiator.

this not do, that can't work, i am as frustrated as i am typing.

* took a glance at my fast asleep mummy* cursing in silence... all was her fault. one party has to sacrifice, always been that case no matter in what situation.

OMG, the bastard's phone is playing taylor swift's song, LOVE STORY!!!

wah lau, since when he " jat kan dang"?! *puke* oh my goodness, there's more like "maria" song in the hot korea movie..... dots. whatever man.

can i be random?

2009-06-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

spare me for my sudden melancholy strike, might be inappropriate because i was in a rather good mood an hour ago, celebrating huifen's birthday.

allow me to express here.

perhaps thing have been changing tremendously this few months, still i may be appearing sane and back to normal routine however my internally injuries still in their healing process. forgetting someone isn't easy, let alone hating a person i once loved the most. though i did whatever i need to get rid of him from my life but memories still flashes, his stuffs still lay

around my bed. his images seem be everywhere in my sight with just a turn of head. i go berserk at times, wanting to find out how he is doing but end up breaking in tears because i feel like a fool who does all this when someone has already turn his back away from me.

putting up a strong front only to feel worst inside. let me be myself for one night, this hour.

2009-06-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

there is so much things i want to do yet i don't know where to start from and start right.

it is frustrating when internet running slow, hinders everything.

"you just can't see it when it is so close to you"

little did i knows he .... so scheming

2009-06-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

1) intentionally customise the photo album only for my clique of friends and i to view only
2) deliberately set his profile where all his wall posts can't be viewed by christina, obviously hiding from me
3) deleted all this tagged photos
4) purposely post up an entry to let me see how he is having the time of his life. further agitate me with this

" i cant believe it also, i fell out of love in april and looking back i felt so dumb. i went crazy over one girl and completely blew my mind off my studies in the early month of march.

then again, now im crazy over another one. i sort of feel it budding between us, and she's making a conscious effort, but i think there's one important missing ingredient that is lacking. as to now i still need to work on comfort... em's the goal =) "

hello? what are you hiding from me? after going such the extra mile, so much deliberations, you are just a chicken who dare not face and owe up your unpardonable act. the FB posts that are being posted up on your wall are selectively hidden from me, what's more are you hiding behind? you're just ridiculously imaginative. stop the deception, thinking that i am hopelessly into you and you have to feign ignorance and avoid me intentionally because you want to put this to an end

well, i know you are reading this, someone( i know who) must had sell me out that's why you're making yourself incredibly avoidable.

kynan lee, you have nth to do with me from the moment the truth reveals. just fuck off from my life and stop being pretentious. i don't need you to screw my life further. i am utterly regretful about my past with you, totally ruined.

changes?

2009-06-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

i don't know what am i up to tonight. perhaps i had too much sleep yesterday night, total of 15 hours and now i am wakeful to the extent that i went running. arghz! after wasting so much energy, i am still in front of my screen in keen attempt to change my blogskin. staring at the alien script which will take me forever to understand. i feel so ashamed that i studied web design yet i can't even change my own blogskin. call myself designer? very doubtful indeed.

thinking of design, i recall that this afternoon farhan received a piece of good news from his lecturer that he got accepted by the SIP company he applied without having the need for an interview. how great is this? he was so overjoyed that it suddenly occur to me that i don't even have a decent portfolio yet. now here's the thing, i am challenging myself to get the blogskin fixed so as to prove myself that i am useful as a design student. nothing is impossible right? but there's huge possibilities for failures like me to fail. what the fuck, i am having too much crappy thoughts right now. i am creating problems out of nothing seriously. how much bimbo-tic can i go?

whatever. i have the urge to use back my livejournal because i prefer my old blogskin! sigh, i realise no matter how much i change, i still go back for the old ones. hope this not implies to my life.

2009-05-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

although, finally i had my first birthday bash in my 20 years of life, alternatively i am grateful towards my friends who makes effort to be present despite of their busy schedule. Thank you everyone for making this possible, if anyone who was present and wasn't there initially, my bash wouldn't turn out as if supposed to be.

i am living the second hour of my 20th life but my feelings isn't fitting to what a birthday girl should feel.

there's celebrations and all to declare my birthday however i feel empty and lost still. probably because after living for 20 years i am still an underachiever who accomplish nothing compliment-able in my entire life. for now, i'm facing financial crisis, struggling to feed myself with the mere 240 bucks one month and clearly off debt at the same time. besides that, my studies deteriorated due to my stupidity of falling over heels in loved with a guy not worth my love and totally wasted my time. i feel like a fool till now.

i am gonna to start new from this hour onwards.

Dear father,

tonight, i pray that i'll start afresh as a new person with all my sins forgiven by your graciousness. God, give me the strength to overcome any obstacles that may come by and i pray for your guidance in my life. lead me to the path where i see light and shelter me under a house where there's love. i pray that i will forget the bad memories i had the last few months and forgive their bad doings. i pray for a better relationship with my mum and hoping that she can better deal with her emotions and work. lastly, i pray that You can watch over me in terms of financial and school work. i don't wish to deny or procrastinate anymore, please let me clear off my debts as soon as possible and pull through my final year results with flying colours.

i pray all this in jesus name

Amen

know myself better

2009-05-31T01:57:00.001-07:00

try this quiz:)it is more accurate than what is on Facebook.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

where? when? what?

2009-05-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Question: Where will i hold my birthday celebration?

Answer: it will most probably at Sentosa Siloso beach

Question: When will it be?

Answer: my actual birthday is on 1 june but knowing that is a monday, obviously impossible to gather everyone. my celebration will be on the 30 of june, saturday.

Question: What time should i be there?

Answer: let's meet 1 o'clock at habourfront mrt. because i understand some are might not make it on time, so the best time is to come around evening stay till night?

Question: What are the activities of the day?

Answer: During the day, we will be carrying out any kinds of beach activities. after sunset, we would do some washing up and settle down in the well-shelter Cafe del mar/delifrance/fast food restaurant or in resort? maybe we could use the facilities in Siloso beach resort?

Question: Will foods and refreshments be provided throughout the day?

Answer: it would be nice if each of you brings some finger food with you to make this picnic better than it is. i am really strapped hence need everyone to give a little support to make things happening here ya? i really appreciate that.

of course, i would be bringing some refreshments and staple foods to fill up our stomach.

in the evening, we could grab our dinner within the boundaries of Sentosa. no point staying inside the beach all day long as sentosa has more leisure than it's beaches.

Question: What time is the cutting cake session?

Answer: i don't know there's a cake for me to cut not. haha. see how budget am i?

Question: Can i stay over?

Answer: Sure, everyone is invited to stay but there hotel regulations we need to abide. i am not suppose to exceed 3 person in the room however if we control our sound level, it's possible ya?

have i answer all your questions? i have loads of unsolved problems too, too much unconfirmed list kinda messed up now. i'll continue to update here when things are sorted out.

ps: anyway, jiahui and linkeong, thank you for the first ever received present this year. really thoughtful of you guys:)

SATURDAY SET!

2009-05-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

i've reserved a room at siloso beach resort, it's settled. apparently, this booking has leave us with PLAN B which is going to sentosa for picnic and chill out at night! i think it's gonna be super awesome because we can explore the sentosa till late night without the need of rushing the last train or fighting against the time for getting extra surcharge in cab.

however there's a bad news, i booked hotel room but chalet. there's a limit to the amount of person to stay in the room, stated three on the regulations. i don't want to be a funpooper and chase people away so please be mentally prepared that we're at risk of being complained or chase out if we are uncontrollably loud and crazy in the room.

woo~ let me briefly plan-out the daylight activity. i know everyone is on budget plus sentosa's food are incredibly over-priced so to save ourselves from digging further, let's try out Potluck!

Everyone brings some self-made cooked food, handmade sandwiches or snacks, that's makes a great variety of food which is definitely more fantastic than what we can get from those high-class restaurants in Sentosa. gr8?

but reminder, please don't bring your pots or wares along, you definitely don't want to be on a consistent lookout for your wares when you're volley-balling. steph suggested this, put everything in a tupperware, buy and dumped it after used, how difficult can that be?! lol

yup, talking about volley-balling, girls bring a set of extra clothes and your set of seductive bikini ready to conquer the beach in with girls power. lol.. let's let our hair down, have fun till the max on the sunny day. Suntanning, sea-soaking, guys-gorging, cam-whoring and more, practically anything if you dare. you want to strip or drown yourself i don't care. haha.

after a long day at beach.... um, i wonder if any protest going to cafe del mar? their drinks are steep somehow not to our favors also. yawns* i am kinda tired now, shall think more when i am sleeping. stay tuned girls.

where and what to do on 1 june?

2009-05-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

yup, as usual somewhere around these days of the month i would be frantically searching for places to hold my birthday celebration, which is often too late.

the reasons being, i hate to plan because it's practically hard to accommodate to every single needs and comfort.

1)dates

typically, saturday is the best day for everyone to have unlimited fun in the night having sunday to back them up. well, i thought of that and automatically went to check on the chalet booking. DAMN IT. all the saturdays are fully booked till the end of june.

besides that, my friends might agreed to attend other birthday celebrations where locations are confirmed, and well-planned. sure to have more exuberance events than mine. coincidentally, a lot of my friends or friend's friends birthday seems to fall on the end may and start june. one comes after another, long june.

2)different groups of friends

i might have to fiddle over small issue like going around apologizing about leaving the odds one alone. in that case, i would feel bad and rather not have big celebrations. because in a party, every single one of you are suppose to be enjoying the vibe and be yourself. not getting yourself isolated because you're insecure and getting self-conscious in this unfamiliar environment.

if that happens to my party, i am failure organizer.

3) money

even if i've the money, my friend's pocket are usually tight at the end of the month. straining the down the number of places, we can hangout.

by the way, let's come to my main subject. where should i gather my friends? i've got two perfect plans in head which is every possible to carry out.

plan one - the typical gathering

first, we would head to kbox with lunch buffets and sing till our throat dried up, eat till we drop. following by watching a movie, let's say the well-liked comedy movie, Night in museum 2". afterwards, we can chill out at pubs or bars like Balcony or LOOF:)

i have an after plan for the girls who wanna stay out for the night, let's find a decent hotel to rest our feet to have our pillow fights and girls midnight confessions.

plan two- Sentosa

what can you think of Sentosa? siloso beach or palawan beach? any of them will do:) don't expect anything more than bikini on this beach where babes are walking around in their fabulous tan figure, typically eye turner. however i guess my girls might feel inferior going there, no doubt i would too. haha. but having picnic at the beach, splashing water or throwing people into the sea randomly sounds merry isn't it?

when the sun meets the horizon, we could chill out at " Cafe del mar ". resting our back against the lawn chair, play cards while awesome music are bring played with the company of good friends. isn't it cool?

friends tell what's your pick:)

2009-05-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

he's like trying all means to please another girl by getting rid of me from his life entirely. All our photos, blog and posts are removed. i don't know how i should feel now because i predicted this beforehand. i saw it coming, anticipated it however i am crashed when it happens.

he is really a player.

not defeated

2009-05-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

well, regarding steph's post i've strong opinion on it and highly disagree on her conclusion. haha. A person's mind isn't at it's best condition when alcohol released it's toxic into the nerves and brain. apparently, i had a drop too many and wasn't even thinking although i "appeared" to be making eye contact with him.

the story began with a year 3 design student who is me and a ex designer who was bragging how experienced he is in design line, also indirectly pretending to be ashamed of his past but he managed to escape his sentences by flying to Melbourne and get himself honour degree in RMIT.

just a word from edison, " she is a design student" got him rattling all night long about his unglamorous teen's hood yet glorious achievements in his later years. i strongly believed he repeated his grandfather's story for a million times when i saw edison nodding his head all night. *roll eyes* edison is such a poor thing.

that guy wasn't talking sense at all. he was trying to hard to impress people. Convincing is what he was trying to do all night besides telling stuffs which we know nuts, he elaborated the word " design" more than we need to know.

the ex interior designer who is now a construction preach to me that doing design is actually similar to psychology. How? i don't know. he tried his best to explain, but nobody gets it. steph do you?

from his long draggy monologue, it can be shorten to one sentence and concluded that the word "design" has deep deep meaning to it explains how it related to psychology. he asked to go back and study the word, analyses the true meaning behind how this word being formed. what the fuck?! i am sane person who thinks logically, i wouldn't waste my time searching for a word which i already know.

okay, don't say i don't admit lose. i went to research a little and took away two seconds of my time.

dictionary defines design as " the art or action of conceiving of and producing such a plan or drawing"

yeah, i know man. fuck him, there's no way i am going to act insane like you.

he was practically way out of the topic. i was talking about web designing and he was telling his philosophy about WORDS to me. SPACE SPACE SPACE was overly used in his monologue too.

i tell you, if i bother to debate with him i afraid he might have to stand aside. i've no ill intention to embarrass a guy double my age in front of his disciple.

" tell me why facebook is more successful than friendster, that explains designing is more than psychology. " i send him to death sentence simply by this. fuck him can?

i don't enjoy the bullshit conversation with him at all. please don't ask me out!!

i need a break

2009-05-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

seriously, i cannot alter my attitude to every single people out there. it's so tiring to have my mind constantly rummaging through my data to pick the right joke and giving witty comments to people.

i need a kit kat.

the only time when i reveal true self is to friends i trusted which are mostly are genuinely nice, sincere and good to me :) you know who you're huh.

the chilling out with steph and joel at Loof today was splendid. Loof is an open space bar with the simplicity design. the moment the elevator opens, my eyes lighten up upon the smart interior design on that small rooftop. it's a perfect combination of urban and nature concept. the wind provides unlimited breezy air and looking in any degree outside, is the busy city inhabited by those luminescent skyscrapers and towers, rather scenic .

what is amazing that

although the noise of the buzzing road is up-roaring but the whole atmosphere seems to block out all the din and worries coming from this city.

Their low squarish coffee tables and big round couches with a puny tree in the centre placed on wooden planks floor, naturally brought us to a laidback mood. Savoring down a few sips of martini or peach bellini releases my tensity almost instantaneously. ..

i can't wait to go there again (:

*hee* sakae sushi here i come. yum~

dream is too good to be true.

2009-05-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

whenever i am too occupied around schoolwork and work, i grumbles how life sucks. life simply revolve around money alone, the only factor that keeps everyone going and slogging off their life.

i am looking life at this perspective after living in this world for nearly 20 years.

People around are either studying or working or actually doing juggling between this two chore.

i am not an exceptional as i am not born with a silver spoon in my mouth hence i'm trying all means to become richer. however it doesn't happen overnight and i couldn't build castles in the air, considering maybe i might win lottery because of ladies luck. haha.

but again, i am feeling injustice , having to pay extra efforts to earn a few penny per hour when people are rolling in cash every seconds because they had a handful of golden opportunities. for instant, stocks and investment?

sigh. okay, despite knowing i am too young for this, i am still hankering for this kind of opportunities. i don't know why. my time is running out for those practical kind of earning, getting realistic and learn that simple is happiness.

i've experienced and learn by hard that earning money isn't easy. juggling hard between school and tutoring but only get a few hundred bucks at the end of month which is totally not enough.

i only have to dive in the point that my mum is not providing me at all, you guys can roughly picture what i am going through as my account had dried up.

no wonder 4D queue is like in never ending stretch.

gosh, why?! i am tired and weary.

good luck to me :(

at this point of time, i hate myself

2009-05-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

yes, i hate myself now, so much that i was disgusted upon looking this girl's reflection.

the frailness too overwhelming, making her chicken out and return back to her comfort zone again and again. the same thing pulls her down every single time when she saw the little light and hope.

i don't want to elaborate further, simply too suck beyond words.

privacy with a girl is an act of lesbian - my mum

2009-05-14T02:31:00.000-07:00

not as if this's the first time i brought steph home to slack, why is she so annoyed and conjured up absurd assumptions?

i can roll my eyes off the socket when she thought that i am a lesbian, just with the piece of fact that we closed my room's door, closed not locked.
ridiculous isn't it? if she is suspicious of us, she is more than welcome to turn the knob and check on us every interval or abuse her rights by stick her arse inside the room to eyed on us. but she didn't do any of the above, all the while God knows why was she pulling a long face when we buzzing around the house. our eyes didn't even exchanged.
her eyebrows crossed, breathing became heavier that her nostrils expanded like a bull and her lips was in a even-ready shape to roar like a lion when she sensed our presence in the dining room.
she was really temperamental and i was being considerate by hiding inside my room and not to agitate her further.

hell, she can even complain when i grounded myself at home!!

i really have nothing to say, really speechless.
come on, hiding inside an air-conditioned room to have our little private chat is far more than what normal girlfriends will do, don't they?
if i am inside the room with a girl means i am lesbian, then mum, would you rather me bring a guy home?

what kind of attention is my mum trying to attract?! like to live under the spotlight and the centre of gossips, don't drag me into the picture lah.

even my grandma finds her small minded and intolerable now.

little do i know how many people has my mum broadcast to. totally tarnish her own daughter's reputation can?! gosh.

i don't need this kind of drama to encumbrance me. spare me please!

over-indulgent behavior

2009-05-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

Thousands years of love

i am hooked to this song, love song.

there's nothing in particular i want to say except that i am doomed.

pray for me that i'll make it through this week and get my design work done nicely.
presentation is tomorrow yet the report is still untouched. deep shit.

wish me luck.

2009-05-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

seriously i know i've been a total bitch madding around people for answers, probe them ridiculous questions out of the blue.

what most absurd things i did, is talking to him knowing it is like slapping my own face.

pardon me. i couldn't hold back anymore, i know i need to face it rather than playing blind guessing game myself.

however, i didn't ask anything in the end but only to find myself being a nuisance the whole time. there was no questions to all my nonsenses.

what can i ask? " have you forgotten about me? ", " life been good without me? " , " why you broke up with me yet chasing after a model now?"
maybe the last question works but he doesn't have a clue i knew all this. besides, who am i to question and stop him now?

everything has put to an end but because i was jealous of his happening life without my presence, henceforth triggered my nerves to make a big fuss of it. arghz fuck. yeah exactly.

so what now? after talking to him, knowing he's doing well in school, getting honour degree for everything. grobe girls when he was totally drunk and etc etc.
what the fuck am i doing here?! getting depressed to the point where my mood ruined and threw my work aside to further traumatic myself.

i am so stupid, real stupid, a big fool and loser.

Christina is pulling herself back together again. she needs to prove herself, succeed, strive in everything.
no more procrastination, no more emotional setbacks, no more stalking, however no promises as things are unpredictable. as long as her friends are there for here, she promised to stay strong.

bye bye diamond ring, get back to the little red box, stay as my memory.

2009-05-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

忘不了.

看不见的痛

2009-05-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

is there anyone care to hear my screams?
any souls to lend me their shoulders for my convulsive gasps and loud crying?
any hand bothers to give me a pat for comfort?
willing to turn a side of your ear, once again listen to my old yet hurting stories?

我的心真的很痛。我已经受不了！

dig into my wound when it's not fully recovered.
dumb myself by getting intoxicated every weekend.
turn a deafening ear to mummy, pretend everything is normal, is okay
stab myself deeper when intruding his facebook
countless slow torture while i walked down the memory lane the countless times
putting up a strong front only to feel more grievous inside
constant self-encouragement has becoming self-contradicting
emotional pains are contagious, brought everyone down

如果感觉可以关掉，世界一定会更美。

hopelessly beyond cure

2009-05-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

what the fuck is wrong with me?! i am sucha bitch who don't deserve to exist for life.

i found myself uttering three words, " life really sucks" upon waking up. why i say that?

my whole brain is corrupted with nothing yet HIM. hopeless. sighs:(

the whole of yesterday i wasn't doing anything constructive at all, lazing around with steph at my house was how i pass the time. i couldn't bring myself to do anything when i saw him online, completely ignoring my existence since that day i gave him a one word reply. yucks, i know.

how petty can he get? okay, i feel guilty for accusing him just because i am being ignored.

only God knows my pain when comes to anything that has interrelated to him. missing him so much day resulted to dreaming of him at night, what the hell!

do i even have the chance of catching a decent sleep?

now i'm looking haggard with piles of school work undone, great.

i really feel like skipping school today. should i?

motivation from unexpected dwell

2009-05-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

i've been refraining myself from reading those lovely,mushy posts ever since the breakup. solely on a part of me not wanting to get upset and emotional after reading those comforting words and sweet promises he made for me.

but today, the quirky part of me trying to find answers drove me to read it again. the answers to why things end up this way? emileen's drama keeps me hanging in the air with doubts about true love.

i read through the last few posts without putting much thoughts into it however those sugary and melodious words did inspire me and bring me back to the start again. incredibly,i feel loved again.

although it sounds ridiculous yet somehow it wakens the love nerve in me again! okay, what i want to bring across is the sparks i ignite from those posts. my heart triggers, pulling me back to track, giving me the motivations for life again.

the grey parts in my world are now filled with vibrant colours.
i have inexpressible urge to establish the dreams i pictured everynight and make it come to existence immediately!

i've decided put my clubbing activity to a cease. sorry my girls! i got to sacrifice those crazy nights as my unpredictable future needs to have a shelter for raining days. i don't have much savings in fact pathetically little to even provide myself a decent meal everyday. hence, i've to make moves, lay paths, kick obstacles for my university. yes, she is very determined about it. so show supports okay darlings?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 20TH TO STEPH ZHANG(:

the pain of sickness

2009-05-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

my immune system been deteriorating in the recent years especially this year when much tragedies clashed on me. when someone isn't well mentally, it inadvertently affects our health also.

i'm down with stomach flu/ food poisoning, either one of them, because the doctor cannot diagnosed the exact illness.

now i get to experience the pains that steph zhang went through everytime. the only way to understand her agony is undergoing the same procedure with her. i know it sounds wrong wanting to feel her sufferings so much but now i fully conscious of the symptoms get hold of the way to relief her pain nextime. well, it happens to her umpteen times, i can't bear to leave her in the lurch and let her sort out herself. see, steph i love you okay?

it is not much of a big deal falling sick yet i yearned for little cares from loves one or random friends. it hurts when people doesn't give a damn about you when you're at the edge of your bed, cuddling yourself for some warmth.

however i don't want to create attention, this kind of attention is sympathy.

contradicting am i? i am not at the right frame of mind to think properly, correctly.

whatever it is, sick patients are always in needs of care and concern to help them stay positive about life. haha, i sound as if i'm dying. oii, i feel for people okay?

yeah but feeling is the killer to logical thinking.

onset of revenge

2009-05-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

don't know why, i still feel for him. the photo makes filled with jealously, twisted me in a nauseous way.

i'm in no position to question him neither controls what he displayed to depict his melbourne life on FB however i smell the streaks of revenge he wanting to pose on me. am i thinking too much or if cared too much?

maybe because i pretend to be nonchalant in msn so he dying to prove something himself that life without me is still as fanastic.

whatever lah. he do whatever he want, fuck whoever he likes. i wash my hands off him. although i might be constantly checking what he's up to you but i've no intention in interrupting his personal life. that's all.

ANYWAY,i am at EELING's HOUSE now!! i known her for more than 15 years can? though we're separated for god knows how many years, our attachment never fades off!

i can't really describe the joy is beyond word, knowing someone always remember you while you paged them last time. sort of that kind lah. lol..

i knew i was destined for better things

2009-05-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

everytime i hear a voice calling from inside, telling me i can be better than what i am now.

because i am the only one who truly understand myself, only i can push my limits and break through those obstacles to reach for my goals. however, my current circumstances doesn't allow me to do so. as in i am tight in cash flow and time, beside that, i've a hard time managing my life as a poly student now.

if you can see, i am struggling hard to provide myself sufficiently by giving tutoring and freelancing. although my free lance haven't been giving me much problems but i foresee it clashing like a tsunami in no time. tutoring was my pastimes. i used to enjoy when kids are obedient, things are different when you become friends with them. i grumbles more on tuesday than on monday because i dread to see those horrendous bastard who're learning what is respect. fine, they shall be forgiven for God's sake.

oh my effing gosh, i am literally one leg in coffin if i continue to be so laidback. okay, maybe not coffin, um but i cannot better word. okay, i see things this way.

most people or girls at my age are either models, NIE training teachers, working, make awesome portfolio in their three years of poly life or studying in university now. yet i am anonymous christina who achieve nothing great in her 20 years of living. even some kids have fame by blogging, the craze of blogging did boost someone far.

those are what i yearned for however it seems too far-fetched.

it's my primetime to strive a name, be known or do some investments even owing a driving license is good. at least something please, something that superficial world judge as a "wow" item to owe for.

say that i'm ambitious but money don't drop from heaven,let me break my poverty in ease.

so what am i going to do? lol, let me think about it since i've so time to the extend of tearing of my face and ask people out. yucks, this is not christina's style.

maybe if i do better in primary school, my destiny would be different. if i'll to reverse back time, i hope i hadn't eat so much too(: LOL.

tempermental

2009-05-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

i canceled my tutoring with the primary six student intentionally again. this is the last time i promised.anyway, i found out something when i called my student's mum. i was dumbstucked when she checked with me if i issued any work for her. i fret out, panickingly rummaged my data for it. then here's come the sounding voice which tells the truth. " don't ask anything lah, i don't know how to do lah" cheryl, my student actually left my math assessment book in her school again, why did she have to bring it school in the first place? english homework, doesn't know how to do and her mum sided her. are you saying it's my fault that her capabilites isn't up to expectation?

kids sometimes are kids who roundabouts reasons for not doing work. i'm feeling helpless at times because her parents pampers and spoil her to certain extent. they hold me responsible when she claim there's no homework and show improvements in her grades. come on parents, it is a two way things. i issue out work, habitually parents should be tracking her to completing her homework. parents hold the controlling power to discipline their own little bastard, i don't you know? my job scoop is to teach only, don expect me to deal with their willful attitude which indirectly affects the progress though. stressful

today i wasn't me, once in a blue moon will i feel this way.
for no reason, i kept feeling unease, on the intense verge of hurling F* in the midst of nowhere, along the corridor, missed the bus or even looking my reflection from the dark windows.

i've to calm myself down to sort out my abrupting emotions, it's driving hatred in me. i am not exaggerating, but i am hating the world now. ARGH. WTF!

i'm completely skint now. the only possession worth money is my merely one dollar farecard accompanied by one month of bus concession. how much pathetic can i get during this public holiday when people make plans to chill out yet i am home facing my mum who refuse to buy our dinner. she can be more childish seriously. the starving process don't help to discipline her children, she just don't realise it.

help! i'm waiting for a kind soul to call me and date me out.

mere smile, laughters and mild gestures

2009-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

life haven't been more boring than presentation time. if i put on one more kg, my face gonna be as distorted as shown above. my facebook is under maintenance, only mine. my friends can log in without any trouble, i don't see why i can't. unless someone hacking my account? who on earth bothers to hack me, jealous of my more than dull, less than happening life?

the ribbon bow, isn't it sweet? somehow in the fashion trend now, hoping to wear, bring out the best but sad to say this is not a headband. aww~

it has been only a while since i brought this beloved jacket. i searched high and low for months until the heat went down. wearing this makes me old fashioned and outdated for now. yucks!~

(: our opening line is always the same. " ni hao ma, hen jiu mei you ken ni jiang hua le" LOL!

speech of a perplexed girl

2009-04-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

yes, being lazy is good sometimes because i rather get lure bed than be tempted by people to go out splurge. quite contented with the impulsive canceling of tutoring today, i had a splendid time slumbering in this breezy cooling rainy day.

been depriving from sleep too much, i felt energetic inside out and my face is glowing naturally after two hours of nap. before that, everytime when i faced the elevator's mirror, i only have one word for myself, " shag " even though i think had enough rest the day before.

my face just doesn't shine with confidence like how i used to be. steph agrees too. there is a sudden drastic change about me after the break up. i become very self-conscious, complacent and lack of self-esteem, losing what i used to possess that makes me different.

i cannot deny the fact i am greatly affected despite looking okay after bottling up the emotions within myself. i always remind myself to stay strong no matter what blows i received. what hits me harder than having my father whacking me up in the middle of night?

since i was real young, my family haven't been doing well in any factors. my parents got into fights or quarrels upon the most trival things, like switching telly programmes during commercial time. their dogged determination could lasted for months, consistently on cold wars and eyes battle which leads to the situation today.

i've learnt alot growing up from this traumatic background. the strong will of surviving in the utmost harsh situation, never look down, condition yourself that you're the justice. because once you retreat and raise your flag, people would remember your weak points and use it against you by giving you another round of torture.

dignity is next characters any person must own. following your principles does differentiate you from the crowd. heard of poor people have strong backbone is impressive? it saying you don't accept offers easily though you need it. why? knowing we're not a handicapped, capable to make our self a living why do we have to dependent of others?

if you're not a weakling, stand up and do yourself justice. being so rely on public sympathies only tarnish your own reputation. how people look at you when you fret out over minor issues, always reaching for helping hands when you can pull yourself together to do something about it? to me, wimp are good for nothing, their incapability to solve trivial matters already label themselves a cross mark everywhere they goes.

the feelings of being contempt, despise and insulted has tagged along with me for years. until recently, when i stepped out of my comfort zone to work. my relatives starting to see me as me,someone worthy, not judge me along the line with my jerk father and my wimpy mummy.

i am both thankful and resentful about my upbringing because without those tough times I'll still be the inferior huijie categorise as hopeless grownup in my family tree. i have carried the label too long, getting more than enough criticisms and numerous earful thrashing for being unfilial to mummy. now get out of my window, away from me, let the wind blow away the curse.

i am the triumph.

can you hear me crying?

2009-04-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

oh well, i shall officially declared bankrupt though i got my pay like three days ago. seriously, i need to take some courses about money management, to be more thrifty and penny pinching. i know the concept of saving money for future sake however my extravagant lifestyle can't spare me. spend money like water is what people used to describe me. that's mean but very exact description. because neither do i know which part of money is fully utilise than on food, cabbing and clubbing.

thinking of saving money, i salute my mum for possessing the ability of being economical. she never stops nagging about how poor she is, how expensive is our bills and couldn't afford to have a slightly better breakfast with only two sunny top eggs and sausages. her persistence drives me insane and getting me on my nerve but still i wish i were her.

digressing, i accepted the pleading tutoring grudgingly from kumon earlier, without much time i began to regret upon realising the piles of work i need to revise for school. i'm doom! anyway, i got startled by the number of "last minutes CMIs " today. no wonder i was summoned urgently where a " please" showing up in the message. shockingly pathetic four tutors slogging off the first three hours before i show up. normally, the centre works with nine tutors so that workloads are evenly split. this time, five tutors handles the work of 9 people seriously deserve a rise in pay. almost impossible i must say. don't expect too much from bosses who pay ppl 5bucks/h. okay, i have return my favour to them after going missing from work for last week, it's time to say goodbye to Kumon. i know i'm going to miss those adorable kids badly, real badly.

i am gonna figure out ways to be thrifty after buying my concession tmr. merlyn, let's go home for meals everyday. haha.

*hope i get to poo tmr* glee

a fresh start

2009-04-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

new blog, new start(: i couldn't bring myself to write anything in my "christina-blog" anymore. there's too much drama entries over there and it has become gossips for stalkers.
the inspiration dies off when my head keeps reminding me that kynan will be reading it. he will analyzing me and see how's my life going, doing a comparison then reveal a smirk sarcastically. i've been acting strong in front of him because only losers need those sympathy . our stubbornness drives us to outwin each other at all times even coming to the little details like who is feeling blue at home today? competing to forget each other presence by making ourselves unavailable in msn but behind the screen we're actually shaking our legs and busy checking out each other facebook. his existence is bane to me, almost anything reminds me of him. much of his memories is deeply etched in me or even when i stoned, he's the image that surfaced up. whatever blissful reels of love he left behind is not enough to make up what he did to me currently. yes, he meant so much to me, words like " okay " got me thinking so much. sometimes i wish i hadn't know him as his existence haven't do much help in my life until now. the only vivid active activity we did so much together is no doubt the pumping action. thinking of it, i was really dumb to be compromising about his wants, pretending that it's alright. that's all about love, christina paid a price of loving this man. however, after suffering from those missing and controlling from months and got duped in the end. she brought this to herself, who to blame?

i was saying about the loser and winner in action now. i bet the melbourne guy is living off better than anything. scoring 90% for every papers had prove this capability, owing a car provides endless ease and advantages for him, more smart babes in campus to hunt for with the " single" status, what's more when he have the apartment to himself. huh, you and i know what we thinking about, where restraints are lack, freedom is overwhelming can get this horny bastard to heaven every night. fuck, it hurts.

as for myself, i am struggling with much workloads added on me, beside school, there's freelance to balance with. wait, i am not done yet. my tutoring job hardly bring any excitment except the pay day. i'm getting vexed, facing the same problem every time, homework not done, no effort put in, sleepy faces and doze off while writing, lack of respect too. i am fine joking with them but at the appropriate level. they get so carried away and starting to take my lenience for granted. i dread to end off when the sky are navy blue, only able get my arse up after 8. my attitude becoming unacceptable because i start to countdown the time to home the second one foot steps into the house. it doesn't matter to me if the kids took how long to get into room before starting, i'm not responsible for their idling and wandering mind. still i put in my best effort to teach everytime.
at the other unrevealed side of me, i have plans after the new me. it's not a secret misson about my dieting plan. another Titanic can be build while i am still undergoing my everlasting diet for 7 years or longer. this time round is different, everyone senses it.
the single status have been bringing me nothing for more irritaters to bug me and bomb me with sms everyday. arghz, guys just don't get it when ignorance acted on them. if i were the old christina, they might have some values and were useful to me. definitely not now. because time is ticking away faster than i can comprehend. flirting, seduction and getting treated like princess is childish, in fact a waste of time. now the lady here doesn't have time to get pampered.

maybe christina be a little smarter everytime when she rises up from sun.