although, finally i had my first birthday bash in my 20 years of life, alternatively i am grateful towards my friends who makes effort to be present despite of their busy schedule. Thank you everyone for making this possible, if anyone who was present and wasn't there initially, my bash wouldn't turn out as if supposed to be. 

i am living the second hour of my 20th life but my feelings isn't fitting to what a birthday girl should feel. 

there's celebrations and all to declare my birthday however i feel empty and lost still. probably because after living for 20 years i am still an underachiever who accomplish nothing compliment-able in my entire life. for now, i'm facing financial crisis, struggling to feed myself with the mere 240 bucks one month and clearly off debt at the same time. besides that, my studies deteriorated due to my stupidity of falling over heels in loved with a guy not worth my love and totally wasted my time. i feel like a fool till now. 

i am gonna to start new from this hour onwards. 

Dear father,

tonight, i pray that i'll start afresh as a new person with all my sins forgiven by your graciousness. God, give me the strength to overcome any obstacles that may come by and i pray for your guidance in my life. lead me to the path where i see light and shelter me under a house where there's love. i pray that i will forget the bad memories i had the last few months and forgive their bad doings. i pray for a better relationship with my mum and hoping that she can better deal with her emotions and work. lastly, i pray that You can watch over me in terms of financial and school work. i don't wish to deny or procrastinate anymore, please let me clear off my debts as soon as possible and pull through my final year results with flying colours.

i pray all this in jesus name

Amen 

know myself better

try this quiz:)it is more accurate than what is on Facebook.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

where? when? what?

Question: Where will i hold my birthday celebration? 

Answer: it will most probably at Sentosa Siloso beach 

Question: When will it be? 

Answer: my actual birthday is on 1 june but knowing that is a monday, obviously impossible to gather everyone. my celebration will be on the 30 of june, saturday. 

Question: What time should i be there?  

Answer: let's meet 1 o'clock at habourfront mrt. because i understand some are might not make it on time, so the best time is to come around evening stay till night? 

Question: What are the activities of the day? 

Answer: During the day, we will be carrying out any kinds of beach activities. after sunset, we would do some washing up and settle down in the well-shelter Cafe del mar/delifrance/fast food restaurant or in resort? maybe we could use the facilities in Siloso beach resort? 

Question: Will foods and refreshments be provided throughout the day?

Answer: it would be nice if each of you brings some finger food with you to make this picnic better than it is. i am really strapped hence need everyone to give a little support to make things happening here ya? i really appreciate that. 

of course, i would be bringing some refreshments and staple foods to fill up our stomach. 

in the evening, we could grab our dinner within the boundaries of Sentosa. no point staying inside the beach all day long as sentosa has more leisure than it's beaches. 

Question: What time is the cutting cake session? 

Answer: i don't know there's a cake for me to cut not. haha. see how budget am i? 

Question: Can i stay over? 

Answer: Sure, everyone is invited to stay but there hotel regulations we need to abide. i am not suppose to exceed 3 person in the room however if we control our sound level, it's possible ya? 

have i answer all your questions? i have loads of unsolved problems too, too much unconfirmed list kinda messed up now. i'll continue to update here when things are sorted out. 

ps: anyway,  jiahui and linkeong, thank you for the first ever received present this year. really thoughtful of you guys:) 

SATURDAY SET!

i've reserved a room at siloso beach resort, it's settled. apparently, this booking has leave us with PLAN B which is going to sentosa for picnic and chill out at night! i think it's gonna be super awesome because we can explore the sentosa till late night without the need of rushing the last train or fighting against the time for getting extra surcharge in cab. 

however there's a bad news, i booked hotel room but chalet. there's a limit to the amount of person to stay in the room, stated three on the regulations. i don't want to be a funpooper and chase people away so please be mentally prepared that we're at risk of being complained or chase out if we are uncontrollably loud and crazy in the room.  

woo~ let me briefly plan-out the daylight activity. i know everyone is on budget plus sentosa's food are incredibly over-priced so to save ourselves from digging further, let's try out Potluck! 

Everyone brings some self-made cooked food, handmade sandwiches or snacks, that's makes a great variety of food which is definitely more fantastic than what we can get from those high-class restaurants in Sentosa. gr8?

but reminder, please don't bring your pots or wares along, you definitely don't want to be on a consistent lookout for your wares when you're volley-balling. steph suggested this, put everything in a tupperware, buy and dumped it after used, how difficult can that be?! lol

yup, talking about volley-balling, girls bring a set of extra clothes and your set of seductive bikini ready to conquer the beach in with girls power. lol.. let's let our hair down, have fun till the max on the sunny day. Suntanning, sea-soaking, guys-gorging, cam-whoring and more, practically anything if you dare. you want to strip or drown yourself i don't care. haha. 

after a long day at beach.... um, i wonder if any protest going to cafe del mar? their drinks are steep somehow not to our favors also.  yawns* i am kinda tired now, shall think more when i am sleeping. stay tuned girls. 

where and what to do on 1 june?

yup, as usual somewhere around these days of the month i would be frantically searching for places to hold my birthday celebration, which is often too late. 

the reasons being, i hate to plan because it's practically hard to accommodate to every single needs and comfort. 

1)dates

typically, saturday is the best day for everyone to have unlimited fun in the night having sunday to back them up. well, i thought of that and automatically went to check on the chalet booking. DAMN IT. all the saturdays are fully booked till the end of june. 

besides that, my friends might agreed to attend other birthday celebrations where locations are confirmed, and well-planned. sure to have more exuberance events than mine. coincidentally, a lot of my friends or friend's friends birthday seems to fall on the end may and start june. one comes after another, long june. 

2)different groups of friends

i might have to fiddle over small issue like going around apologizing about leaving the odds one alone. in that case, i would feel bad and rather not have big celebrations. because in a party, every single one of you are suppose to be enjoying the vibe and be yourself. not getting yourself isolated because you're insecure and getting self-conscious in this unfamiliar environment. 

if that happens to my party, i am failure organizer. 

3) money

even if i've the money, my friend's pocket are usually tight at the end of the month. straining the down the number of places, we can hangout. 

by the way, let's come to my main subject. where should i gather my friends? i've got two perfect plans in head which is every possible to carry out. 

plan one - the typical gathering 

first, we would head to kbox with lunch buffets and sing till our throat dried up, eat till we drop. following by watching a movie, let's say the well-liked comedy movie, Night in museum 2". afterwards, we can chill out at pubs or bars like Balcony or LOOF:) 

i have an after plan for the girls who wanna stay out for the night, let's find a decent hotel to rest our feet to have our pillow fights and girls midnight confessions. 

plan two- Sentosa 

what can you think of Sentosa? siloso beach or palawan beach? any of them will do:) don't expect anything more than bikini on this beach where babes are walking around in their fabulous tan figure, typically eye turner. however i guess my girls might feel inferior going there, no doubt i would too. haha. but having picnic at the beach, splashing water or throwing people into the sea randomly sounds merry isn't it? 

when the sun meets the horizon, we could chill out at " Cafe del mar ". resting our back against the lawn chair, play cards while awesome music are bring played with the company of good friends. isn't it cool?  

friends tell what's your pick:) 

he's like trying all means to please another girl by getting rid of me from his life entirely. All our photos, blog and posts are removed. i don't know how i should feel now because i predicted this beforehand. i saw it coming, anticipated it however i am crashed when it happens. 

he is really a player. 

not defeated

well, regarding steph's post i've strong opinion on it and highly disagree on her conclusion. haha. A person's mind isn't at it's best condition when alcohol released it's toxic into the nerves and brain. apparently, i had a drop too many and wasn't even thinking although i "appeared" to be making eye contact with him. 

the story began with a year 3 design student who is me and a ex designer who was bragging how experienced he is in design line, also indirectly pretending to be ashamed of his past but he managed to escape his sentences by flying to Melbourne and get himself honour degree in RMIT. 

just a word from edison, " she is a design student" got him rattling all night long about his unglamorous teen's hood yet glorious achievements in his later years.  i strongly believed he repeated his grandfather's story for a million times when i saw edison nodding his head all night. *roll eyes* edison is such a poor thing.  

that guy wasn't talking sense at all. he was trying to hard to impress people. Convincing is what he was trying to do all night besides telling stuffs which we know nuts, he elaborated the word " design" more than we need to know. 

the ex interior designer who is now a construction preach to me that doing design is actually similar to psychology. How? i don't know. he tried his best to explain, but nobody gets it. steph do you? 

from his long draggy monologue, it can be shorten to one sentence and concluded that the word "design" has deep deep meaning to it explains how it related to psychology. he asked to go back and study the word, analyses the true meaning behind how this word being formed.  what the fuck?! i am sane person who thinks logically, i wouldn't waste my time searching for a word which i already know. 

okay, don't say i don't admit lose. i went to research a little and took away two seconds of my time.  

dictionary defines design as " the art or action of conceiving of and producing such a plan or drawing" 

yeah, i know man. fuck him, there's no way i am going to act insane like you. 

he was practically way out of the topic. i was talking about web designing and he was telling his philosophy about WORDS to me. SPACE SPACE SPACE was overly used in his monologue too.

i tell you, if i bother to debate with him i afraid he might have to stand aside. i've no ill intention to embarrass a guy double my age in front of his disciple. 

" tell me why facebook is more successful than friendster, that explains designing is more than psychology. " i send him to death sentence simply by this. fuck him can? 

i don't enjoy the bullshit conversation with him at all. please don't ask me out!! 

i need a break

seriously, i cannot alter my attitude to every single people out there. it's so tiring to have my mind constantly rummaging through my data to pick the right joke and giving witty comments to people. 

i need a kit kat. 

the only time when i reveal true self is to friends i trusted which are mostly are genuinely nice, sincere and good to me :) you know who you're huh. 

the chilling out with steph and joel at Loof today was splendid. Loof is an open space bar with the simplicity design. the moment the elevator opens, my eyes lighten up upon the smart interior design on that small rooftop. it's a perfect combination of urban and nature concept. the wind provides unlimited breezy air and looking in any degree outside, is the busy city inhabited by those luminescent skyscrapers and towers, rather scenic . 

what is amazing that

although the noise of the buzzing road is up-roaring but the whole atmosphere seems to block out all the din and worries coming from this city. 

Their low squarish coffee tables and big round couches with a puny tree in the centre placed on wooden planks floor, naturally brought us to a laidback mood. Savoring down a few sips of martini or peach bellini releases my tensity almost instantaneously. ..

i can't wait to go there again (: 

*hee* sakae sushi here i come. yum~

dream is too good to be true.

whenever i am too occupied around schoolwork and work, i grumbles how life sucks. life simply revolve around money alone, the only factor that keeps everyone going and slogging off their life.

i am looking life at this perspective after living in this world for nearly 20 years.

People around are either studying or working or actually doing juggling between this two chore. 

i am not an exceptional as i am not born with a silver spoon in my mouth hence i'm trying all means to become richer. however it doesn't happen overnight and i couldn't build castles in the air, considering maybe i might win lottery because of ladies luck. haha. 

but again, i am feeling injustice , having to pay extra efforts to earn a few penny per hour when people are rolling in cash every seconds because they had a handful of golden opportunities. for instant, stocks and investment? 

sigh. okay, despite knowing i am too young for this, i am still hankering for this kind of opportunities. i don't know why. my time is running out for those practical kind of earning, getting realistic and learn that simple is happiness. 

i've experienced and learn by hard that earning money isn't easy. juggling hard between school and tutoring but only get a few hundred bucks at the end of month which is totally not enough.   

i only have to dive in the point that my mum is not providing me at all, you guys can roughly picture what i am going through as my account had dried up. 

no wonder 4D queue is like in never ending stretch. 

gosh, why?! i am tired and weary. 

 

good luck to me :( 

at this point of time, i hate myself

yes, i hate myself now, so much that i was disgusted upon looking this girl's reflection.

the frailness too overwhelming, making her chicken out and return back to her comfort zone again and again. the same thing pulls her down every single time when she saw the little light and hope.

i don't want to elaborate further, simply too suck beyond words.

privacy with a girl is an act of lesbian - my mum

not as if this's the first time i brought steph home to slack, why is she so annoyed and conjured up absurd assumptions?

i can roll my eyes off the socket when she thought that i am a lesbian, just with the piece of fact that we closed my room's door, closed not locked.
ridiculous isn't it? if she is suspicious of us, she is more than welcome to turn the knob and check on us every interval or abuse her rights by stick her arse inside the room to eyed on us. but she didn't do any of the above, all the while God knows why was she pulling a long face when we buzzing around the house. our eyes didn't even exchanged.
her eyebrows crossed, breathing became heavier that her nostrils expanded like a bull and her lips was in a even-ready shape to roar like a lion when she sensed our presence in the dining room.
she was really temperamental and i was being considerate by hiding inside my room and not to agitate her further.

hell, she can even complain when i grounded myself at home!!

i really have nothing to say, really speechless.
come on, hiding inside an air-conditioned room to have our little private chat is far more than what normal girlfriends will do, don't they?
if i am inside the room with a girl means i am lesbian, then mum, would you rather me bring a guy home?

what kind of attention is my mum trying to attract?! like to live under the spotlight and the centre of gossips, don't drag me into the picture lah.

even my grandma finds her small minded and intolerable now.

little do i know how many people has my mum broadcast to. totally tarnish her own daughter's reputation can?! gosh.

i don't need this kind of drama to encumbrance me. spare me please!

over-indulgent behavior

Thousands years of love





i am hooked to this song, love song.

there's nothing in particular i want to say except that i am doomed.

pray for me that i'll make it through this week and get my design work done nicely.
presentation is tomorrow yet the report is still untouched. deep shit.

wish me luck.

seriously i know i've been a total bitch madding around people for answers, probe them ridiculous questions out of the blue.

what most absurd things i did, is talking to him knowing it is like slapping my own face.

pardon me. i couldn't hold back anymore, i know i need to face it rather than playing blind guessing game myself.

however, i didn't ask anything in the end but only to find myself being a nuisance the whole time. there was no questions to all my nonsenses.

what can i ask? " have you forgotten about me? ", " life been good without me? " , " why you broke up with me yet chasing after a model now?"
maybe the last question works but he doesn't have a clue i knew all this. besides, who am i to question and stop him now?

everything has put to an end but because i was jealous of his happening life without my presence, henceforth triggered my nerves to make a big fuss of it. arghz fuck. yeah exactly.

so what now? after talking to him, knowing he's doing well in school, getting honour degree for everything. grobe girls when he was totally drunk and etc etc.
what the fuck am i doing here?! getting depressed to the point where my mood ruined and threw my work aside to further traumatic myself.

i am so stupid, real stupid, a big fool and loser.

Christina is pulling herself back together again. she needs to prove herself, succeed, strive in everything.
no more procrastination, no more emotional setbacks, no more stalking, however no promises as things are unpredictable. as long as her friends are there for here, she promised to stay strong.

bye bye diamond ring, get back to the little red box, stay as my memory.

忘不了.

看不见的痛

is there anyone care to hear my screams?
any souls to lend me their shoulders for my convulsive gasps and loud crying?
any hand bothers to give me a pat for comfort?
willing to turn a side of your ear, once again listen to my old yet hurting stories?

我的心真的很痛。我已经受不了！

dig into my wound when it's not fully recovered.
dumb myself by getting intoxicated every weekend.
turn a deafening ear to mummy, pretend everything is normal, is okay
stab myself deeper when intruding his facebook
countless slow torture while i walked down the memory lane the countless times
putting up a strong front only to feel more grievous inside
constant self-encouragement has becoming self-contradicting
emotional pains are contagious, brought everyone down

如果感觉可以关掉，世界一定会更美。

hopelessly beyond cure

what the fuck is wrong with me?! i am sucha bitch who don't deserve to exist for life.

i found myself uttering three words, " life really sucks" upon waking up. why i say that?

my whole brain is corrupted with nothing yet HIM. hopeless. sighs:(

the whole of yesterday i wasn't doing anything constructive at all, lazing around with steph at my house was how i pass the time. i couldn't bring myself to do anything when i saw him online, completely ignoring my existence since that day i gave him a one word reply. yucks, i know.

how petty can he get? okay, i feel guilty for accusing him just because i am being ignored.

only God knows my pain when comes to anything that has interrelated to him. missing him so much day resulted to dreaming of him at night, what the hell!

do i even have the chance of catching a decent sleep?

now i'm looking haggard with piles of school work undone, great.

i really feel like skipping school today. should i?

motivation from unexpected dwell

i've been refraining myself from reading those lovely,mushy posts ever since the breakup. solely on a part of me not wanting to get upset and emotional after reading those comforting words and sweet promises he made for me.

but today, the quirky part of me trying to find answers drove me to read it again. the answers to why things end up this way? emileen's drama keeps me hanging in the air with doubts about true love.

i read through the last few posts without putting much thoughts into it however those sugary and melodious words did inspire me and bring me back to the start again. incredibly,i feel loved again.

although it sounds ridiculous yet somehow it wakens the love nerve in me again! okay, what i want to bring across is the sparks i ignite from those posts. my heart triggers, pulling me back to track, giving me the motivations for life again.

the grey parts in my world are now filled with vibrant colours.
i have inexpressible urge to establish the dreams i pictured everynight and make it come to existence immediately!

i've decided put my clubbing activity to a cease. sorry my girls! i got to sacrifice those crazy nights as my unpredictable future needs to have a shelter for raining days. i don't have much savings in fact pathetically little to even provide myself a decent meal everyday. hence, i've to make moves, lay paths, kick obstacles for my university. yes, she is very determined about it. so show supports okay darlings?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 20TH TO STEPH ZHANG(:

the pain of sickness

my immune system been deteriorating in the recent years especially this year when much tragedies clashed on me. when someone isn't well mentally, it inadvertently affects our health also.

i'm down with stomach flu/ food poisoning, either one of them, because the doctor cannot diagnosed the exact illness.

now i get to experience the pains that steph zhang went through everytime. the only way to understand her agony is undergoing the same procedure with her. i know it sounds wrong wanting to feel her sufferings so much but now i fully conscious of the symptoms get hold of the way to relief her pain nextime. well, it happens to her umpteen times, i can't bear to leave her in the lurch and let her sort out herself. see, steph i love you okay?

it is not much of a big deal falling sick yet i yearned for little cares from loves one or random friends. it hurts when people doesn't give a damn about you when you're at the edge of your bed, cuddling yourself for some warmth.

however i don't want to create attention, this kind of attention is sympathy.

contradicting am i? i am not at the right frame of mind to think properly, correctly.

whatever it is, sick patients are always in needs of care and concern to help them stay positive about life. haha, i sound as if i'm dying. oii, i feel for people okay?

yeah but feeling is the killer to logical thinking.

onset of revenge

don't know why, i still feel for him. the photo makes filled with jealously, twisted me in a nauseous way.

i'm in no position to question him neither controls what he displayed to depict his melbourne life on FB however i smell the streaks of revenge he wanting to pose on me. am i thinking too much or if cared too much?

maybe because i pretend to be nonchalant in msn so he dying to prove something himself that life without me is still as fanastic.

whatever lah. he do whatever he want, fuck whoever he likes. i wash my hands off him. although i might be constantly checking what he's up to you but i've no intention in interrupting his personal life. that's all.


ANYWAY,i am at EELING's HOUSE now!! i known her for more than 15 years can? though we're separated for god knows how many years, our attachment never fades off!

i can't really describe the joy is beyond word, knowing someone always remember you while you paged them last time. sort of that kind lah. lol..

i knew i was destined for better things

everytime i hear a voice calling from inside, telling me i can be better than what i am now.

because i am the only one who truly understand myself, only i can push my limits and break through those obstacles to reach for my goals. however, my current circumstances doesn't allow me to do so. as in i am tight in cash flow and time, beside that, i've a hard time managing my life as a poly student now.

if you can see, i am struggling hard to provide myself sufficiently by giving tutoring and freelancing. although my free lance haven't been giving me much problems but i foresee it clashing like a tsunami in no time. tutoring was my pastimes. i used to enjoy when kids are obedient, things are different when you become friends with them. i grumbles more on tuesday than on monday because i dread to see those horrendous bastard who're learning what is respect. fine, they shall be forgiven for God's sake.

oh my effing gosh, i am literally one leg in coffin if i continue to be so laidback. okay, maybe not coffin, um but i cannot better word. okay, i see things this way.

most people or girls at my age are either models, NIE training teachers, working, make awesome portfolio in their three years of poly life or studying in university now. yet i am anonymous christina who achieve nothing great in her 20 years of living. even some kids have fame by blogging, the craze of blogging did boost someone far.

those are what i yearned for however it seems too far-fetched.

it's my primetime to strive a name, be known or do some investments even owing a driving license is good. at least something please, something that superficial world judge as a "wow" item to owe for.

say that i'm ambitious but money don't drop from heaven,let me break my poverty in ease.

so what am i going to do? lol, let me think about it since i've so time to the extend of tearing of my face and ask people out. yucks, this is not christina's style.

maybe if i do better in primary school, my destiny would be different. if i'll to reverse back time, i hope i hadn't eat so much too(: LOL.

tempermental

i canceled my tutoring with the primary six student intentionally again. this is the last time i promised.anyway, i found out something when i called my student's mum. i was dumbstucked when she checked with me if i issued any work for her. i fret out, panickingly rummaged my data for it. then here's come the sounding voice which tells the truth. " don't ask anything lah, i don't know how to do lah" cheryl, my student actually left my math assessment book in her school again, why did she have to bring it school in the first place? english homework, doesn't know how to do and her mum sided her. are you saying it's my fault that her capabilites isn't up to expectation?

kids sometimes are kids who roundabouts reasons for not doing work. i'm feeling helpless at times because her parents pampers and spoil her to certain extent. they hold me responsible when she claim there's no homework and show improvements in her grades. come on parents, it is a two way things. i issue out work, habitually parents should be tracking her to completing her homework. parents hold the controlling power to discipline their own little bastard, i don't you know? my job scoop is to teach only, don expect me to deal with their willful attitude which indirectly affects the progress though. stressful

today i wasn't me, once in a blue moon will i feel this way.
for no reason, i kept feeling unease, on the intense verge of hurling F* in the midst of nowhere, along the corridor, missed the bus or even looking my reflection from the dark windows.

i've to calm myself down to sort out my abrupting emotions, it's driving hatred in me. i am not exaggerating, but i am hating the world now. ARGH. WTF!

i'm completely skint now. the only possession worth money is my merely one dollar farecard accompanied by one month of bus concession. how much pathetic can i get during this public holiday when people make plans to chill out yet i am home facing my mum who refuse to buy our dinner. she can be more childish seriously. the starving process don't help to discipline her children, she just don't realise it.

help! i'm waiting for a kind soul to call me and date me out.